Very Angry

My DH started smoking again after quitting for a year. I am so PISSED I could break something. He's trying to give me all of these reasons to rationalize his smoking and trying to make me feel sorry for him but there's is not excuse for smoking. I hate it! Not to mention lying to me and hiding it...stress is no excuse for smoking. 

I'm so hurt and disappointed. 

Oh but I guess HIS sperm are okay so he can just go ahead and put poison in his body and not worry about it while I have to take drugs and watch what I put into my body. Grrr....

He stinks too. This sucks! 

I made an appointment with a lady here in my city who does acupuncture and Traditional Chinese Medicine. I have been reading this book called The Infertility Cure and it's all based on TCM. It makes so much sense to me that I treat my whole body and try to figure out what is causing my hormonal imbalance rather than just trying to fix what is broken. The author says treating IF is like driving a tack into the wall with a sledge hammer. I couldn't agree more!

So I'm excited about my appointment next week. I'm nervous too because I haven't done a very good job at cutting out caffeine, booze, dairy or meat. Whoops! I am down to 1 cup of coffee a day though which is good considering I used to drink it all day. And I've been drinking green tea in the evenings quite religiously. I'm not having as much dairy (I used to drink at least one glass of milk with dinner but have been having water instead). I could do with red meat but love chicken so that's been hard. But, of course, the booze has been the hardest. I suck. It was 21 above on Friday and I couldn't resist a cold beer...or six. I'm pathetic.

Called in to the "period hotline" yesterday. So this is 2 phone calls and 1 month/4 days since we went on the IVF list. Only approximately 3 more months to go. Woo hoo! I've been occupying my time lately by BARFING. Yuck. The flu has kicked my butt! I can only hope I shed a pound or two out of this agony. 

My friend got me this book called The Infertility Cure. It's all about The Chinese Method. I've only read the introduction so far...because I started barfing about 6 hours after getting it but it sounds really interesting. The author claims there is no such thing as infertility or "old eggs". So I'll read it and see what I get from it. I already know I need to cut out the caffeine, alcohol, cheese and meat. I haven't had coffee in 3 or 4 days but I keep getting a headache later on in the day...not sure if it's because of the flu or the caffeine withdrawal. Anyway, I'm going to try really hard to cut out these items out of my diet. I did have a mojito with my friend tonight (ahh...if only we were back on the cruise ship) but then turned down the wine. Trust me, that's a huge step for me. 

Need a New Focus

The news of my ovaries being rotten (DH hates that I say that) has really hit my self-esteem hard. I am not happy with myself these days. I feel old, and ugly and out of shape. And of course I have this irrational fear that the IVF isn't going to work and we're not even close to getting it done. DH and I had a good talk the other day because I was really bugged by some things that have to do with him and I think it was really good for him to see where I'm coming from and that I'm tired of being a tough chick because it gets to be too hard. I need a break from it all. I need to refocus my energy and give my self-esteem a make over. I have to quit torturing myself with situations that remind me of our IF and take advantage of our freedom. I need a life make over....starting today!

I may not blog for a while...I will record milestones in our treatment and post any important news I will want to remember one day but I won't be on here as often. 

Limbo Sucks!

Gah! I hate waiting! I feel like I have lived the past 5 years waiting in 2 week cycles. Waiting to ovulate and then waiting to test or for AF. I have let so much in my life pass me by because I might be pregnant and I have been obsessing over symptoms or doing everything I can to get pregnant.

I have been worrying about what if IVF doesn't work. When I think I about it, I can't even breathe. I am getting so tired of it all I just don't know what I would do if it didn't work. DH says egg donor but it's easy for him to say. I'd even rather just transfer an embryo but DH wants our baby to have at least one of our genes. It would be easier to get an embryo than an egg in this country too. You have to know the person to donate for you and I don't think I could do it. I get so jealous sometimes about other women's pregnancies how would I ever feel about some person I know and DH making the baby I could not? I don't know. See, this is what happens when you sit around and wait...you obsess about things that aren't prevalent at the time. :-(

Help Me Pass the Time in Limbo

So it's just a waiting game now for DH and I. So I'm wondering how I can pass the time and keep my blog active. Feel free to help me if you like. Why don't you post questions/topics/comments for me to blog about. Maybe no one's reading this....who knows. But if you are and you have something you'd like to share or ask...feel free!!! 

Dear Vagina,

I'm sorry for all of the pain and suffering you have endured over the past 15 years. First, there was the trauma of squeezing out a 7 lbs. 14oz newborn through your loins at a tender young age. But you were such a trooper. You did amazing and only required 2 stitches!! Of course, after this delivery you required yearly Pap tests which I'm sure are no picnic for you. Then there was that incident with abnormal cells where you required a couple of colposcopies and biopsies. I'm sure having part of you snipped off wasn't exactly pleasant. The HSG in 2004 was not exactly pleasant but we endured that one too and our tubes looked great. Then you got sick again and needed another few colposcopies and biopses which lead to that unfortunate LEEP thing. You didn't recover from that so well so there were a number of times when once again you were violated. You had no sooner recovered from the LEEP and we were doing IUIs....5 of them to be exact. Those weren't always easy either and were coupled with all those ultrasounds. Dr. Greene wasn't very nice to you at our IVF consultation either and now today having to go through ANOTHER horrible HSG. I'm so sorry. The good news is the HSG looks good so Dr. C will send the results to Dr. Greene in Calgary and we will be all systems go for the IVF. So there will be some more uncomfortable procedures that you will need to endure before I leave you alone for a bit (well except for the Paps we have to do those to ensure you stay healthy). There will be the Egg Retrieval but they're going to give you some drugs for that. And then of course the Egg Transfer which is relatively easy and then 9 months later you may be required to squeeze another 7 lb baby through your loins and possibly 2 babies but we may spare you this agony with a C-section but we're not sure. 

Anyway, thank you for being such a trooper. I'm sorry I've put you through this but one day it will all be worth it.

xoxo