I thought that this would get easier as the days went on but it seems to be getting harder. Maybe the initial shock has worn off and my anger is cooling and now I just feel sad. The tears seem to come a lot more readily over the past two days. It was brought to my attention that this may very well be the one thing in my life that I have put my mind to and not succeeded. Why does it have to be THE ONE thing I want most? 

It is time for me to move on...I know this to be true. Perhaps that is why I am sad...it's almost like saying good-bye to a really frustrating friend. She drives you INSANE yet you know you'd miss her if she was gone. Could TTC really be my friend?!?!? Well, we certainly have spent A LOT of time together over the past 5 years....praying, crying, screaming, laughing, doing the upside down bicycle....

I need to get back to ME. I lost me over the past few years...well I certainly gained in a FEW areas...like 30 pounds gained. So I'd rather LOSE that part and find out who I am outside of trying to have a baby. I miss the old me. I may not write as often but I will check in from time to time...and you know where to find me...but I don't want to talk about it anymore if that's okay. 

My BFF said I might feel better if I let it out so I'm going to go for it.

F*&^, F&*(, F*&^, FU&^, F@#$, F@#$, F#$%, F@#$!!! I AM SO F@#$ING PISSED OFF!! I FEEL RIPPED OFF AND CHEATED. WHY DO STUPID BLEEPING WOMEN WHO LEAVE THEIR CHILDREN MOTHERLESS SO THAT THEY CAN GO SCREW MEN IN OTHER COUNTRIES GET TO BE MOTHERS AND I DON'T GET TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY? WHY DO WOMEN WHO DROWN THEIR CHILDREN, HIT THEIR CHILDREN, DRUG THEIR CHILDREN, PIMP THEIR CHILDREN, LEAVE THEIR BABIES ALONE IN A HOTEL ROOM IN PORTUGAL SO THEY CAN HAVE DINNER IN A FANCY RESTAURANT GET TO BE A MOTHER AND I CAN'T HAVE ANOTHER BABY? THE WORLD IS F@#$ED! 

When I woke up this morning I thought for a split second that it was all a bad dream. But then I knew it wasn't. Sometimes it's hard to understand why things happen to people but I truly believe that it's all part of some "master plan". Today I know why the universe gave me Riley at such a young age...it was so that going through this would be more bearable. I can't even imagine how painful it must be to be in my situation never knowing the joy and miracle of having a child. It is my hope that one day I will understand why we had to go through this pain and suffering just to have a child. Some day it will be my turn. 

It's All Over

We're going home. The egg didn't divide and started to look severely abnormal just like the first one did. It's all over. Thank you for your prayers and positive vibes. 

The Lucky Egg That Could??

Got another call and the egg is showing early signs of dividing. We're still holding on. ET scheduled for tomorrow (08-08-08) could luck be on our side? 

(Thanks Jenny for coining the phrase, "The Little Egg That Could!" Love it!) 

Still Believing in Miracles

That second miracle egg has freaking fertilized. I can't believe it. There still isn't high hopes as it hasn't started to divide yet but they want us to stay in Calgary and plan for a transfer tomorrow afternoon. OMG! Someone get me off of this roller coaster ride...I think I'm going to puke.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, pray for us and send us positive vibes. 

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,

but because I have struggled and toiled for a this child.

I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.

I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.

My dream will be crying for ME.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. 

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless in my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, friend and sister because I have known pain. 

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I will succeed.

I will win.

And when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. 

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

*I don't know who the original author of this is but I found it on a forum and I loved it!*