Saturday, August 8, 2009

I cried myself to sleep last night. I was feeling like a total failure...a complete loser. I can't have babies and I couldn't keep my husband happy while we were married. I celebrated a dear friend's 40th birthday with her last night and all of a sudden I realized not only am I showing up at these parties sans kids now I'm showing up sans husband. I felt pathetic. So I drank too much which probably explains the tears. 

But today I'm feeling surprisingly better. Once again I reminded myself this morning that I have an amazing life for which I am grateful. If I give thanks to the Universe, the Universe will reward me with more blessings. I know there is happiness in my future...I can feel it. GRATITUDE

Speaking of gratitude, I have decided to get a tattoo of the Gratitude symbol in hot pink. It will always be there to remind me to be thankful for what I have because if you don't it could be gone so fast. 

One year ago today marked the beginning of the end for a few things in my life. I know there will always be a tiny ache in my heart for the rest of my life for the babies I wished I had and for the marriage I couldn't save but that part of my life is over now and I am going to move on. 

This is it for me...the infertiledeva is dead. Be well, be happy, be grateful and may all your dreams come true. xoxo all of my girlfriends who read this, THANK YOU for being there for me and loving me unconditionally even when I am a total flake. I love you and appreciate you more than you'll ever know. 

Friday, August 7, 2009

Tomorrow will be one year since we drove home from Calgary with our hopes of IVF working destroyed. I'm not sure how I'll be tomorrow. It's going to be a hard day for a few reasons. The thing is I don't know if I'm dreading tomorrow because of it being the anniversary of the IVF not working or because it kind of marked the beginning of a horrible year for me. Not to mention two people I love are getting married tomorrow and I can't be there to see it because I'm no longer a part of their family. :(

In any case, tomorrow I will feel what I want to feel...cry if I want to cry...scream if I want to scream...laugh if I want to laugh. But I have made a commitment to myself that, after tomorrow, I move on and leave it all in the past. Like I said yesterday, I have built an incredible life for myself and it's about time I started living it and enjoying it!! GRATITUDE. 

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

I have rotten eggs...not cancer or any other life threatening illness. I am blessed with an incredible teenaged son who fills me with so much pride and joy. I have an amazing family and the most understanding, supportive, loving friends (who are there for me even when I can't stand to hear myself cry anymore). I love my job and my career only gets brighter and brighter each year. I have built an amazing life for myself. Screw you have controlled my life for far too long and have robbed me of gratitude for my amazing life. I may not be able to have more children but I have so many blessings in my life that I don't need more babies to make it better.