Very Angry

My DH started smoking again after quitting for a year. I am so PISSED I could break something. He's trying to give me all of these reasons to rationalize his smoking and trying to make me feel sorry for him but there's is not excuse for smoking. I hate it! Not to mention lying to me and hiding it...stress is no excuse for smoking. 

I'm so hurt and disappointed. 

Oh but I guess HIS sperm are okay so he can just go ahead and put poison in his body and not worry about it while I have to take drugs and watch what I put into my body. Grrr....

He stinks too. This sucks! 

I made an appointment with a lady here in my city who does acupuncture and Traditional Chinese Medicine. I have been reading this book called The Infertility Cure and it's all based on TCM. It makes so much sense to me that I treat my whole body and try to figure out what is causing my hormonal imbalance rather than just trying to fix what is broken. The author says treating IF is like driving a tack into the wall with a sledge hammer. I couldn't agree more!

So I'm excited about my appointment next week. I'm nervous too because I haven't done a very good job at cutting out caffeine, booze, dairy or meat. Whoops! I am down to 1 cup of coffee a day though which is good considering I used to drink it all day. And I've been drinking green tea in the evenings quite religiously. I'm not having as much dairy (I used to drink at least one glass of milk with dinner but have been having water instead). I could do with red meat but love chicken so that's been hard. But, of course, the booze has been the hardest. I suck. It was 21 above on Friday and I couldn't resist a cold beer...or six. I'm pathetic.

Called in to the "period hotline" yesterday. So this is 2 phone calls and 1 month/4 days since we went on the IVF list. Only approximately 3 more months to go. Woo hoo! I've been occupying my time lately by BARFING. Yuck. The flu has kicked my butt! I can only hope I shed a pound or two out of this agony. 

My friend got me this book called The Infertility Cure. It's all about The Chinese Method. I've only read the introduction so far...because I started barfing about 6 hours after getting it but it sounds really interesting. The author claims there is no such thing as infertility or "old eggs". So I'll read it and see what I get from it. I already know I need to cut out the caffeine, alcohol, cheese and meat. I haven't had coffee in 3 or 4 days but I keep getting a headache later on in the day...not sure if it's because of the flu or the caffeine withdrawal. Anyway, I'm going to try really hard to cut out these items out of my diet. I did have a mojito with my friend tonight (ahh...if only we were back on the cruise ship) but then turned down the wine. Trust me, that's a huge step for me. 

Need a New Focus

The news of my ovaries being rotten (DH hates that I say that) has really hit my self-esteem hard. I am not happy with myself these days. I feel old, and ugly and out of shape. And of course I have this irrational fear that the IVF isn't going to work and we're not even close to getting it done. DH and I had a good talk the other day because I was really bugged by some things that have to do with him and I think it was really good for him to see where I'm coming from and that I'm tired of being a tough chick because it gets to be too hard. I need a break from it all. I need to refocus my energy and give my self-esteem a make over. I have to quit torturing myself with situations that remind me of our IF and take advantage of our freedom. I need a life make over....starting today!

I may not blog for a while...I will record milestones in our treatment and post any important news I will want to remember one day but I won't be on here as often. 

Limbo Sucks!

Gah! I hate waiting! I feel like I have lived the past 5 years waiting in 2 week cycles. Waiting to ovulate and then waiting to test or for AF. I have let so much in my life pass me by because I might be pregnant and I have been obsessing over symptoms or doing everything I can to get pregnant.

I have been worrying about what if IVF doesn't work. When I think I about it, I can't even breathe. I am getting so tired of it all I just don't know what I would do if it didn't work. DH says egg donor but it's easy for him to say. I'd even rather just transfer an embryo but DH wants our baby to have at least one of our genes. It would be easier to get an embryo than an egg in this country too. You have to know the person to donate for you and I don't think I could do it. I get so jealous sometimes about other women's pregnancies how would I ever feel about some person I know and DH making the baby I could not? I don't know. See, this is what happens when you sit around and wait...you obsess about things that aren't prevalent at the time. :-(