Letting Go...

For the past 4 or 5 years I have been so desperate to get pregnant...spending every month obsessing over ovulation signs and then possible pregnancy signs. I have gotten down on my knees and begged the universe to give me a child after every IUI cycle. I have shook with anxiety while peeing on a stick and cried uncontrollably when there was only one pink line. I have experienced so much anxiety over ttc that I believe I have wound my body up into a knot so tight there was no more energy flowing through me. 

But over the past 4 weeks I feel myself letting go and accepting that whatever is meant to be is what will happen. I am no longer desperate to have the acupuncture work before we get the call for IVF. If we get the call, then we prepare for that. If we get pregnant before that, then we prepare for pregnancy and parenthood. If neither happens, we prepare for what will happen next. But I am no longer anxious. I have had about 4 or 5 acupuncture treatments now and have been meditating (thank you to a very GENEROUS friend who sent me a whole bunch of CDs on meditating for Fertilization) and I feel myself relaxing and accepting what may come. I feel more in control of my emotions than I have in years....almost, serene. I am letting go of the control I have tried to have over my body and instead, I am nourishing my body with good food, good thoughts, good vibes...so I can return this dwelling to it's natural, flowing state of Qi. That has become my focus over getting pregnant. One way I have been helping myself with good thoughts is by avoiding situations that make me feel anxious or sad. This doesn't mean that I have sworn of pregnant ladies or babies or whatever all together, but I am trying to avoid continually being in situations that remind me I am not pregnant. In the past, I have tried fighting through these emotions and being tough. I don't want to have to "fight" so I will avoid having to. I hope that as I continue to let go and become at peace with my ttc journey, these situations will become less uncomfortable also. 

Some other great news is I sent an email to a highly reputable Naturopath here in my city (upon the recommendation of the same very GENEROUS friend--I swear girl, when I get pregnant you will have to be the first to know! LOL!). Her waiting list is like 12 months long so I sent her an email explaining our situation and she has agreed to squeeze us in! Yay!

I'm off to our organic grocery store today to try to find stuff to eat for lunch and snacks. Without caffeine my blood sugar crashes in the afternoon and I eat crap to try to soothe the craving. I am also looking for a natural prenatal vitamin after learning about the crap that is in Materna that can clog up your intestines. Yuck!

Thank you to those who have facebooked me or emailed me or posted comments on here. I appreciate and welcome your comments. xoxo

Yay for Me!

Well I believe I have successfully kicked the caffeine habit. Woo hoo! No more coffee for me just a cup or two of green tea after dinner. AND, I actually went to shopping club last night and did not drink a drop of alcohol!!! I felt really good last night and this morning. I'm going to try to keep it up but I'm at a loss as to what to drink besides water when I go out though. I had iced tea last night but I'm thinking it's likely too sweet which is another thing to avoid. My acupuncturist says I'm defeating the purpose if I stress out too much about what I am eating and drinking. She thought I was doing really well with cutting out caffeine and dairy. 

I was feeling a bit bummed today for some reason so I went for a walk with DH and then listened to this cool mp3 recording I downloaded from www.anjionline.com. It's an imagery and breathing technique especially for fertility. I am feeling so much better and more positive. 

I have had 2 acupuncture treatments already and go back again this week for another. I've also emailed a Naturopath here in my city and am waiting to hear back from her when she gets back from holidays. I am trying to chill out and be patient with this treatment but at the same time I am so anxious because I would be thrilled if we could conceive naturally and not need IVF. 

Mother's Day

Ah...another Mother's Day. It's always a bitter sweet day for me. Of course, I am blessed to already be a mom so I am grateful that I get to celebrate today with my amazing son. But every Mother's Day for the past 4 or 5 years I think, "Next year we'll have more kids." And then of course, we don't. Now that I think about it, every holiday it's the same thing. Next year, we'll have a baby at Christmas or next year we'll have a baby with us on our summer holiday vacation. But then next year comes and still no baby. :-(

Wow! Look at me being a total buzz kill on Mother's Day. 

Cycle Day 1 for me again. Phoned into the period hotline. It seems like forever since DH and I were in Calgary but it's only been two months. *sigh*

The acupuncture did help with my PMS but WOW, AF is kicking my butt today. I have MAJOR cramps....yuck! I'm also very moody but I think it might be because I cut out the coffee completely this week. I was allowing myself one cup a day for the past couple of weeks but this week I'm done. I have SUCH a headache, it's unbelievable. I do have a cup or two of green tea in the evenings which must be just enough caffeine to relieve the headache, thank goodness. I've also been watching my dairy intake (no glass of milk for me at dinner time *cry*) but the booze and meat continue to be challenging. I am going to try to avoid alcohol though. I am also so hungry lately!!! OMG, I could eat anything at any time. I'm constantly jonesing for something to eat. I think it's me replacing my caffeine addiction with food. I better keep walking every night!!

I read about this stuff called Royal Jelly that women are taking. I can't wait to ask the acupuncturist about that. I'm also looking for some organic prenatal vitamins since apparently over the counter vitamins aren't good for you. 

Acupuncture

I went for my first acupuncture treatment on Thursday. It was really good. We didn't talk a lot about how she was going to treat my "infertility" (I use the word in quotes as Dr. Straub doesn't believe in IF) but I did go over my history of us TTC and she asked me a whole bunch of questions. She did ask if my intentions were to conceive naturally or through IVF and I said all I wanted was to be pg with a healthy baby but if the IVF clinic were to call me tomorrow, I would accept the treatment. So she said if I wished to continue treatment she would help me prepare my body for the IVF if I didn't end up pg first but that she was going to treat me for my period with acupuncture that day. She said there is no need to have heavy flow and severe cramping during aunt flo's visit...umm....excuse me? really? So since CD 1 should be today (although I feel NOTHING!!) she said she would prepare my body for AF and that I should just relax and we will talk about treating my high FSH later on. So I go back on May 14th for another treatment. 

While I am not getting my hopes up TOO high, I have to say that this is the first person I've encountered during our TTC journey who was so hopeful and optimistic. She didn't tell me that I couldn't do ANYTHING. It was so nice. And she's so nice. THANK YOU SO MUCH for recommending her A.N.!! xoxo

I really want DH to start treatment too (maybe there's a quit smoking treatment) but I know he's way too insane and stressed right now so I'll back off until the day after his concert is over...tee hee.