Letting Go...

For the past 4 or 5 years I have been so desperate to get pregnant...spending every month obsessing over ovulation signs and then possible pregnancy signs. I have gotten down on my knees and begged the universe to give me a child after every IUI cycle. I have shook with anxiety while peeing on a stick and cried uncontrollably when there was only one pink line. I have experienced so much anxiety over ttc that I believe I have wound my body up into a knot so tight there was no more energy flowing through me. 

But over the past 4 weeks I feel myself letting go and accepting that whatever is meant to be is what will happen. I am no longer desperate to have the acupuncture work before we get the call for IVF. If we get the call, then we prepare for that. If we get pregnant before that, then we prepare for pregnancy and parenthood. If neither happens, we prepare for what will happen next. But I am no longer anxious. I have had about 4 or 5 acupuncture treatments now and have been meditating (thank you to a very GENEROUS friend who sent me a whole bunch of CDs on meditating for Fertilization) and I feel myself relaxing and accepting what may come. I feel more in control of my emotions than I have in years....almost, serene. I am letting go of the control I have tried to have over my body and instead, I am nourishing my body with good food, good thoughts, good vibes...so I can return this dwelling to it's natural, flowing state of Qi. That has become my focus over getting pregnant. One way I have been helping myself with good thoughts is by avoiding situations that make me feel anxious or sad. This doesn't mean that I have sworn of pregnant ladies or babies or whatever all together, but I am trying to avoid continually being in situations that remind me I am not pregnant. In the past, I have tried fighting through these emotions and being tough. I don't want to have to "fight" so I will avoid having to. I hope that as I continue to let go and become at peace with my ttc journey, these situations will become less uncomfortable also. 

Some other great news is I sent an email to a highly reputable Naturopath here in my city (upon the recommendation of the same very GENEROUS friend--I swear girl, when I get pregnant you will have to be the first to know! LOL!). Her waiting list is like 12 months long so I sent her an email explaining our situation and she has agreed to squeeze us in! Yay!

I'm off to our organic grocery store today to try to find stuff to eat for lunch and snacks. Without caffeine my blood sugar crashes in the afternoon and I eat crap to try to soothe the craving. I am also looking for a natural prenatal vitamin after learning about the crap that is in Materna that can clog up your intestines. Yuck!

Thank you to those who have facebooked me or emailed me or posted comments on here. I appreciate and welcome your comments. xoxo