I cried myself to sleep last night. I was feeling like a total failure...a complete loser. I can't have babies and I couldn't keep my husband happy while we were married. I celebrated a dear friend's 40th birthday with her last night and all of a sudden I realized not only am I showing up at these parties sans kids now I'm showing up sans husband. I felt pathetic. So I drank too much which probably explains the tears. 

But today I'm feeling surprisingly better. Once again I reminded myself this morning that I have an amazing life for which I am grateful. If I give thanks to the Universe, the Universe will reward me with more blessings. I know there is happiness in my future...I can feel it. GRATITUDE

Speaking of gratitude, I have decided to get a tattoo of the Gratitude symbol in hot pink. It will always be there to remind me to be thankful for what I have because if you don't it could be gone so fast. 

One year ago today marked the beginning of the end for a few things in my life. I know there will always be a tiny ache in my heart for the rest of my life for the babies I wished I had and for the marriage I couldn't save but that part of my life is over now and I am going to move on. 

This is it for me...the infertiledeva is dead. Be well, be happy, be grateful and may all your dreams come true. xoxo

PS...to all of my girlfriends who read this, THANK YOU for being there for me and loving me unconditionally even when I am a total flake. I love you and appreciate you more than you'll ever know. 

Tomorrow will be one year since we drove home from Calgary with our hopes of IVF working destroyed. I'm not sure how I'll be tomorrow. It's going to be a hard day for a few reasons. The thing is I don't know if I'm dreading tomorrow because of it being the anniversary of the IVF not working or because it kind of marked the beginning of a horrible year for me. Not to mention two people I love are getting married tomorrow and I can't be there to see it because I'm no longer a part of their family. :(

In any case, tomorrow I will feel what I want to feel...cry if I want to cry...scream if I want to scream...laugh if I want to laugh. But I have made a commitment to myself that, after tomorrow, I move on and leave it all in the past. Like I said yesterday, I have built an incredible life for myself and it's about time I started living it and enjoying it!! GRATITUDE. 

I have rotten eggs...not cancer or any other life threatening illness. I am blessed with an incredible teenaged son who fills me with so much pride and joy. I have an amazing family and the most understanding, supportive, loving friends (who are there for me even when I can't stand to hear myself cry anymore). I love my job and my career only gets brighter and brighter each year. I have built an amazing life for myself. Screw you Infertility...you have controlled my life for far too long and have robbed me of gratitude for my amazing life. I may not be able to have more children but I have so many blessings in my life that I don't need more babies to make it better. 

No, I don't believe what I said earlier. I think DS and I were exactly what DH wanted. There's a reason why we didn't have a baby...I know that. Just like there is a lesson in our separation. If only to teach me a lesson about being grateful for what I already have. To force me to realize that I need to start focusing on the present and not stress about the future. Live in the moment. Enjoy the moment. Love life...which I do. But, I miss my best friend. 

Everything Happens For A reason--Haven't You Heard?

People often form addictions or become obsessed in order to avoid reality or fill a hole in their lives. I wanted a house full of children...no question. I have wanted another child since DS's 2nd birthday. But I know that this need intensified over the years as a result of me feeling like there was something missing in my life. I was lonely. Being lonely in a marriage is a horrible feeling. I was trying to fill a void. I'm learning that I guess DH wasn't as eager to have a child as I was and that I was just pulling him along. Maybe he never really wanted the life he had with DS and I either. Maybe this is why we never got pregnant. Because I heard once (or 4 billion times) that everything happens for a reason. 

I was made aware yesterday, after visiting with dear friends, how many couples face Fertility issues for different reasons. There is this growing number of couples in their second marriage who are only in their early or late 30s where one spouse (generally the male) has already been "fixed" but now their practice marriage is over and they've found the love of their life and now they can't have children together.  I know it is a morbid thought...but I wonder if getting the "snip" or your tubes tied should be something that couples really reflect upon before they make that final decision...and maybe wait until they're a bit older. Of course no one wants to believe their marriage could end (um...hello...raises hand) and most couples believe they've had their children and they don't want anymore which could be true too. But now I see my wonderful, loving and nurturing friend who has finally found the man of her dreams and it will be difficult for them to have a baby because of the snip. Of course, they can try a reversal and IVF or IUI but GOD, I so do not wish for them to go down that path. 

I say ladies get the Depo shot until you're 45...no babies and no period! Nice. 

The Mistakes I've Made

A year ago around this time I was preparing to head to Calgary for IVF. We had spent about 5 or 6 years and almost $15, 000 ttc. I became totally and completely obsessed with trying to get pregnant. I can admit that now...that I was obsessed although I hated DH every time he said I was. Trying to have a baby became the only thing that mattered to me. I would get home from work and immediately get on the computer networking on message boards and websites, reading all of the TTC emails that came in with the newest strategy to getting pregnant, buying books and any other remedy that might help me get pregnant. 

The problem is I lost everything else that was important in my life in the process: quality time with my beautiful, healthy teenage son, my marriage, my motivation for my job and most importantly I lost myself. 

Not long after I quit writing I turned into an empty shell of a person. I quit feeling. I refused to allow myself to think about my broken dream of a large family. I didn't allow myself to grieve. I would wake up in the morning and literally feel like I would wind myself up in my bathroom while applying my make-up and fake smile in order to face the world each day, but then I would crash when I got home. I didn't know who I was anymore. The only thing that had defined me (and my marriage) was TTC. I can certainly say that if it wasn't for my son and the beautiful children I work with everyday, I'm not sure I would have gotten out of bed in the mornings. 

And I hated my home. Sometimes I would find myself sitting in my car out front of my beautiful, brand new home willing myself to go in. It was big with empty rooms and became a painful reminder of how we weren't going to bring new babies home. I had the spare bedroom mentally decorated for a nursery before the drywall had even gone in. 

I became really good at putting on a brave face for friends and family. Hosting DH's 40th birthday, christmas parties and so on. But I felt like a fake. I was dead inside. I could no longer see the beauty around me. I lost my gratitude for the incredible life I already had and could only think about what I didn't. The only people who could see this happening were DH and DS though. I was a ghost in my home. I'm not sure that I will ever be able to forgive myself for the pain I have put them through over the past year. 

Now my marriage has ended and I am working at picking up the pieces. Maybe I should have asked for help but I thought I could handle everything on my own. I am one of those women who believes I have to be perfect all of the time (don't show weakness)...I thought I could handle the stress. But I didn't. And asking for help isn't showing weakness...I know that now. And grieving is necessary if I am ever going to be able to move on. There are so many things I wish I could go back and change. I really did want more children. I wanted to give DH a child...I wanted us to be a family without realizing we already were. But if I would have known I'd sacrifice everything in my quest, I would have done things a lot differently (obviously).  

Infertility is a horrible, stressful and often lonely road. I became addicted to message boards because I felt they were the only people in the world who understood me (and I have made some really great online friends) but my real life friends and DH could never understand that relationship. Probably because I spent way too much time online which was true but that was where I felt I fit. 

After I learned that I was the cause of infertility my self-esteem went right down the toilet. I felt like a total failure. I prayed everyday that the IVF would work so I wouldn't feel so worthless anymore...but, of course, I didn't respond to the medication (more of a failure now) and I am now working on forgiving myself and my body for this. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is Infertility consumed my life and eventually ruined my marriage, my identity and my self-worth. It is horribly devastating and debilitating. I should have sought out professional help to deal with my grief but I never did. That was my first mistake. A 1 hour counseling session before and after your IVF procedure is not nearly enough time to help you understand the emotions and stress you are going through. And it is so important that you go through this counseling as a couple (so that you don't learn after the fact that your spouse was only doing it to make you happy and really didn't care either way). 

Please, learn from me, if you are faced with Infertility (and I mean real Infertility...if you have been TTC for 8 months you have no clue) get help. Talk to someone (a professional), talk to your DH, take time to enjoy the blessings you already have in your life. Learn from the mistakes I've made. 

I can be your person too if you need...email me: infertiledeva@gmail.com.