I thought that this would get easier as the days went on but it seems to be getting harder. Maybe the initial shock has worn off and my anger is cooling and now I just feel sad. The tears seem to come a lot more readily over the past two days. It was brought to my attention that this may very well be the one thing in my life that I have put my mind to and not succeeded. Why does it have to be THE ONE thing I want most? 

It is time for me to move on...I know this to be true. Perhaps that is why I am sad...it's almost like saying good-bye to a really frustrating friend. She drives you INSANE yet you know you'd miss her if she was gone. Could TTC really be my friend?!?!? Well, we certainly have spent A LOT of time together over the past 5 years....praying, crying, screaming, laughing, doing the upside down bicycle....

I need to get back to ME. I lost me over the past few years...well I certainly gained in a FEW areas...like 30 pounds gained. So I'd rather LOSE that part and find out who I am outside of trying to have a baby. I miss the old me. I may not write as often but I will check in from time to time...and you know where to find me...but I don't want to talk about it anymore if that's okay. 

My BFF said I might feel better if I let it out so I'm going to go for it.

F*&^, F&*(, F*&^, FU&^, F@#$, F@#$, F#$%, F@#$!!! I AM SO F@#$ING PISSED OFF!! I FEEL RIPPED OFF AND CHEATED. WHY DO STUPID BLEEPING WOMEN WHO LEAVE THEIR CHILDREN MOTHERLESS SO THAT THEY CAN GO SCREW MEN IN OTHER COUNTRIES GET TO BE MOTHERS AND I DON'T GET TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY? WHY DO WOMEN WHO DROWN THEIR CHILDREN, HIT THEIR CHILDREN, DRUG THEIR CHILDREN, PIMP THEIR CHILDREN, LEAVE THEIR BABIES ALONE IN A HOTEL ROOM IN PORTUGAL SO THEY CAN HAVE DINNER IN A FANCY RESTAURANT GET TO BE A MOTHER AND I CAN'T HAVE ANOTHER BABY? THE WORLD IS F@#$ED! 

When I woke up this morning I thought for a split second that it was all a bad dream. But then I knew it wasn't. Sometimes it's hard to understand why things happen to people but I truly believe that it's all part of some "master plan". Today I know why the universe gave me Riley at such a young age...it was so that going through this would be more bearable. I can't even imagine how painful it must be to be in my situation never knowing the joy and miracle of having a child. It is my hope that one day I will understand why we had to go through this pain and suffering just to have a child. Some day it will be my turn. 

It's All Over

We're going home. The egg didn't divide and started to look severely abnormal just like the first one did. It's all over. Thank you for your prayers and positive vibes. 

The Lucky Egg That Could??

Got another call and the egg is showing early signs of dividing. We're still holding on. ET scheduled for tomorrow (08-08-08) could luck be on our side? 

(Thanks Jenny for coining the phrase, "The Little Egg That Could!" Love it!) 

Still Believing in Miracles

That second miracle egg has freaking fertilized. I can't believe it. There still isn't high hopes as it hasn't started to divide yet but they want us to stay in Calgary and plan for a transfer tomorrow afternoon. OMG! Someone get me off of this roller coaster ride...I think I'm going to puke.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, pray for us and send us positive vibes. 

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,

but because I have struggled and toiled for a this child.

I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.

I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.

My dream will be crying for ME.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. 

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless in my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, friend and sister because I have known pain. 

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I will succeed.

I will win.

And when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. 

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

*I don't know who the original author of this is but I found it on a forum and I loved it!*

Fertilization Report

Got the call from the embryologist...DH took the call. It's not looking good. The first egg didn't make it and the 2nd one wasn't mature but they injected it anyway because it was there. It hadn't fertilized this morning. There likely won't be a transfer but they'll call us tomorrow morning to let us know for sure. 

Good Things Come in TWO!!

I am over the moon with joy!! We were able to retrieve TWO eggs this morning. I DO believe in miracles. The first follicle gave us a bit of a scare as it took 4 flushes before they found the egg...phew! I burst into tears when I heard the embryologist yell, "we've got an egg!" Then Dr. Greene informed me that there was another smaller follicle that had appeared since Sunday's u/s and did I want him to aspirate that one also? Umm....YES!!! So he did and wouldn't you believe there was ANOTHER egg!! I just about leaped off of the bed when I heard her yell, "We've got egg #2!!" I didn't have any medication as they believed they would only be making one poke so I didn't have to sit in recovery for an hour afterward and I'm feeling really good right now...no different than having the cyst drained really. The embryologist said the first egg is mature and the second one is "borderline" mature. She's pretty sure it is but can't say definitively. So we continue to pray and cross all of our crossables. Everyone in the clinic was so excited for us. The nurse cheered when she heard we had 2 eggs. We will find out tomorrow morning if one or both fertilized. My uterine lining looks great and is ready for a peanut (or two) to snuggle in good and tight for the next nine months. I am so grateful for all that I have in my life and can only hope that the universe will continue to bless us. 

Just getting ready to crawl into bed. I have been given some Valium to take so I'm going to do that and try to get some sleep. We are staying in a beautiful hotel with a big comfy bed and my DH is finally here. We have to be at the clinic by 7:30 tomorrow morning and our retrieval is scheduled for 8:00. I wish I could describe how I feel but honestly...I am numb. 

Praying for a Miracle

I don't even know if I'll get through typing this. I don't think I have ever been faced with a more challenging decision in my life. Only one follicle matured. I am devastated. We knew it wasn't going to be great but I never dreamed it would be this bad. I knew it was a bad sign when the first words out of the doctor's mouth were, "Do you and your husband have children?" "Do you have a sister or someone who would consider donating an egg?" My worst nightmare has come true. So we were told that we could go through with the IVF despite it being a long shot, convert to an IUI or quit altogether. At first I wanted to give up. I am so sick and tired of all of this. At some point one needs to accept their fate. I need to be grateful for the beautiful, healthy child I already have and be thankful I have known the joy of being a mother...it could always be worse. Like, not being able to give your husband a child. I feel like such a failure. I feel like I have been so fortunate in accomplishing great things in my life except for the one thing women have been put on this earth to do. And just hearing the desperation in my DH's voice on the phone this morning was almost unbearable. I hate that I'm here alone and having to  make decisions that will affect my whole life...my marriage. 

Anyway, after hours of agonizing and thinking and going over the odds with the Doc, we have decided to go for it. I feel like the SK Roughriders during the 89 Grey Cup with 44 seconds on the clock and the score tied at 40. I'm Austin trying to get us into field goal range so that DH (Ridgway) can kick a 3 pointer and we can bring home the cup. It's a long shot but every SK fan in the world believes in miracles so I guess I do too. 

Our retrieval is scheduled for Tuesday morning at 8:00 a.m. we will know fairly soon after the procedure whether there even is an egg. If there is, we will know by Wednesday morning if it fertilized. The odds are 60% that there is an egg and 25% of that 60% that it will fertilize. So that is where we stand. Everything is stacked against us but if we don't go for it we will spend the rest of our lives wondering what if. Right now, all I want to focus on is honouring my body and doing all that I can to ensure that there is a good looking egg growing in that one follicle.

I've never really been an overly religious person...I know that there is someone bigger than me out there so I am asking you to call upon your higher power and ask them to send us good vibes. I know most of you are doing that already and I am so grateful. We are so blessed. I have received so many emails and messages it's overwhelming. We love you all so very much. I'm wearing the fertility serpent around my neck, I've got my Greek pomegranate in my pocket and I've been rubbing my inspiration stones all morning. I will meditate several times today as well. I do believe in miracles.

It Only Takes One...

Repeat after me...."it only takes one, it only takes one, it only takes one....". Please God, let my follies be bigger.

It Only Takes ONE Good One!

Had my u/s yesterday and the good news is they saw 4 decent sized follicles. The bad news is they wanted to see more than that. The magic number is 12. Sooo....I was given the option to cancel this cycle and start all over again but we've decided to just go for it. After all, it really only takes one good egg right? Yesterday was a hard day for me. I was so excited to actually see some follicles on the screen but then when the doctor told me it was good but not great I got so upset. But the nurse said I'm young and that we should just go for it because even if there is just one good egg, we have every reason to believe it will implant and go on to a healthy pregnancy. So here I am, telling my body that I trust it and it knows what to do so please make those follies grow and maybe get a couple more going also. :-)

I go back for another u/s on Sunday morning and I am really hoping all 4 follies have continued to mature. Please cross your fingers for us!

I also saw the acupuncturist here yesterday. She is AWESOME! I love her. She is going to meet me at the fertility clinic on the day of my transfer and do a before and after treatment for me. Wow!

My girlfriend and I have been doing some serious shopping too! Thank goodness for GPS!! We have been able to find the Lululemons, IKEA, Liquor Supterstore, H&M, Sephora, MEC and many more with ease thanks to our friend Jeeves who tells us where to go. 

I'll post more on Sunday. DH arrives Monday morning. Thanks for all of your well wishes. xoxo