Friday, August 15, 2008

I thought that this would get easier as the days went on but it seems to be getting harder. Maybe the initial shock has worn off and my anger is cooling and now I just feel sad. The tears seem to come a lot more readily over the past two days. It was brought to my attention that this may very well be the one thing in my life that I have put my mind to and not succeeded. Why does it have to be THE ONE thing I want most? 
It is time for me to move on...I know this to be true. Perhaps that is why I am sad...it's almost like saying good-bye to a really frustrating friend. She drives you INSANE yet you know you'd miss her if she was gone. Could TTC really be my friend?!?!? Well, we certainly have spent A LOT of time together over the past 5 years....praying, crying, screaming, laughing, doing the upside down bicycle....
I need to get back to ME. I lost me over the past few years...well I certainly gained in a FEW areas...like 30 pounds gained. So I'd rather LOSE that part and find out who I am outside of trying to have a baby. I miss the old me. I may not write as often but I will check in from time to time...and you know where to find me...but I don't want to talk about it anymore if that's okay. 

1 comment:

imn2nursing said...

Lisa, I hope this didn't post twice. Anywho, been watching for you on TMP. Bases on this blog, I see you are spending some Lisa time which is great. I totally relate about losing yourself in the madness of ttc. I think of you often and pray for God to help me understand why He has given us such a strong need, want, urge to bear children but leave us only with the infertility and pain. I guess I will never understand. Even though, if I could just understand a tiny amount it would really revive my belief and faith. I have tried bargaining with God to no avail. You are never far from my thoughts and prayers. It is so weird the bond that ppl can form through these forums and internet. I guess the baring of souls and pain can do that. I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you. Please email me and let me know how you are doing. imn2nursing@hotmail.com