Praying for a Miracle

I don't even know if I'll get through typing this. I don't think I have ever been faced with a more challenging decision in my life. Only one follicle matured. I am devastated. We knew it wasn't going to be great but I never dreamed it would be this bad. I knew it was a bad sign when the first words out of the doctor's mouth were, "Do you and your husband have children?" "Do you have a sister or someone who would consider donating an egg?" My worst nightmare has come true. So we were told that we could go through with the IVF despite it being a long shot, convert to an IUI or quit altogether. At first I wanted to give up. I am so sick and tired of all of this. At some point one needs to accept their fate. I need to be grateful for the beautiful, healthy child I already have and be thankful I have known the joy of being a mother...it could always be worse. Like, not being able to give your husband a child. I feel like such a failure. I feel like I have been so fortunate in accomplishing great things in my life except for the one thing women have been put on this earth to do. And just hearing the desperation in my DH's voice on the phone this morning was almost unbearable. I hate that I'm here alone and having to  make decisions that will affect my whole life...my marriage. 

Anyway, after hours of agonizing and thinking and going over the odds with the Doc, we have decided to go for it. I feel like the SK Roughriders during the 89 Grey Cup with 44 seconds on the clock and the score tied at 40. I'm Austin trying to get us into field goal range so that DH (Ridgway) can kick a 3 pointer and we can bring home the cup. It's a long shot but every SK fan in the world believes in miracles so I guess I do too. 

Our retrieval is scheduled for Tuesday morning at 8:00 a.m. we will know fairly soon after the procedure whether there even is an egg. If there is, we will know by Wednesday morning if it fertilized. The odds are 60% that there is an egg and 25% of that 60% that it will fertilize. So that is where we stand. Everything is stacked against us but if we don't go for it we will spend the rest of our lives wondering what if. Right now, all I want to focus on is honouring my body and doing all that I can to ensure that there is a good looking egg growing in that one follicle.

I've never really been an overly religious person...I know that there is someone bigger than me out there so I am asking you to call upon your higher power and ask them to send us good vibes. I know most of you are doing that already and I am so grateful. We are so blessed. I have received so many emails and messages it's overwhelming. We love you all so very much. I'm wearing the fertility serpent around my neck, I've got my Greek pomegranate in my pocket and I've been rubbing my inspiration stones all morning. I will meditate several times today as well. I do believe in miracles.