I thought that this would get easier as the days went on but it seems to be getting harder. Maybe the initial shock has worn off and my anger is cooling and now I just feel sad. The tears seem to come a lot more readily over the past two days. It was brought to my attention that this may very well be the one thing in my life that I have put my mind to and not succeeded. Why does it have to be THE ONE thing I want most? 

It is time for me to move on...I know this to be true. Perhaps that is why I am sad...it's almost like saying good-bye to a really frustrating friend. She drives you INSANE yet you know you'd miss her if she was gone. Could TTC really be my friend?!?!? Well, we certainly have spent A LOT of time together over the past 5 years....praying, crying, screaming, laughing, doing the upside down bicycle....

I need to get back to ME. I lost me over the past few years...well I certainly gained in a FEW areas...like 30 pounds gained. So I'd rather LOSE that part and find out who I am outside of trying to have a baby. I miss the old me. I may not write as often but I will check in from time to time...and you know where to find me...but I don't want to talk about it anymore if that's okay. 

My BFF said I might feel better if I let it out so I'm going to go for it.

F*&^, F&*(, F*&^, FU&^, F@#$, F@#$, F#$%, F@#$!!! I AM SO F@#$ING PISSED OFF!! I FEEL RIPPED OFF AND CHEATED. WHY DO STUPID BLEEPING WOMEN WHO LEAVE THEIR CHILDREN MOTHERLESS SO THAT THEY CAN GO SCREW MEN IN OTHER COUNTRIES GET TO BE MOTHERS AND I DON'T GET TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY? WHY DO WOMEN WHO DROWN THEIR CHILDREN, HIT THEIR CHILDREN, DRUG THEIR CHILDREN, PIMP THEIR CHILDREN, LEAVE THEIR BABIES ALONE IN A HOTEL ROOM IN PORTUGAL SO THEY CAN HAVE DINNER IN A FANCY RESTAURANT GET TO BE A MOTHER AND I CAN'T HAVE ANOTHER BABY? THE WORLD IS F@#$ED! 

When I woke up this morning I thought for a split second that it was all a bad dream. But then I knew it wasn't. Sometimes it's hard to understand why things happen to people but I truly believe that it's all part of some "master plan". Today I know why the universe gave me Riley at such a young age...it was so that going through this would be more bearable. I can't even imagine how painful it must be to be in my situation never knowing the joy and miracle of having a child. It is my hope that one day I will understand why we had to go through this pain and suffering just to have a child. Some day it will be my turn. 

It's All Over

We're going home. The egg didn't divide and started to look severely abnormal just like the first one did. It's all over. Thank you for your prayers and positive vibes. 

The Lucky Egg That Could??

Got another call and the egg is showing early signs of dividing. We're still holding on. ET scheduled for tomorrow (08-08-08) could luck be on our side? 

(Thanks Jenny for coining the phrase, "The Little Egg That Could!" Love it!) 

Still Believing in Miracles

That second miracle egg has freaking fertilized. I can't believe it. There still isn't high hopes as it hasn't started to divide yet but they want us to stay in Calgary and plan for a transfer tomorrow afternoon. OMG! Someone get me off of this roller coaster ride...I think I'm going to puke.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, pray for us and send us positive vibes. 

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,

but because I have struggled and toiled for a this child.

I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.

I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.

My dream will be crying for ME.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. 

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless in my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, friend and sister because I have known pain. 

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I will succeed.

I will win.

And when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. 

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

*I don't know who the original author of this is but I found it on a forum and I loved it!*

Fertilization Report

Got the call from the embryologist...DH took the call. It's not looking good. The first egg didn't make it and the 2nd one wasn't mature but they injected it anyway because it was there. It hadn't fertilized this morning. There likely won't be a transfer but they'll call us tomorrow morning to let us know for sure. 

Good Things Come in TWO!!

I am over the moon with joy!! We were able to retrieve TWO eggs this morning. I DO believe in miracles. The first follicle gave us a bit of a scare as it took 4 flushes before they found the egg...phew! I burst into tears when I heard the embryologist yell, "we've got an egg!" Then Dr. Greene informed me that there was another smaller follicle that had appeared since Sunday's u/s and did I want him to aspirate that one also? Umm....YES!!! So he did and wouldn't you believe there was ANOTHER egg!! I just about leaped off of the bed when I heard her yell, "We've got egg #2!!" I didn't have any medication as they believed they would only be making one poke so I didn't have to sit in recovery for an hour afterward and I'm feeling really good right now...no different than having the cyst drained really. The embryologist said the first egg is mature and the second one is "borderline" mature. She's pretty sure it is but can't say definitively. So we continue to pray and cross all of our crossables. Everyone in the clinic was so excited for us. The nurse cheered when she heard we had 2 eggs. We will find out tomorrow morning if one or both fertilized. My uterine lining looks great and is ready for a peanut (or two) to snuggle in good and tight for the next nine months. I am so grateful for all that I have in my life and can only hope that the universe will continue to bless us. 

Just getting ready to crawl into bed. I have been given some Valium to take so I'm going to do that and try to get some sleep. We are staying in a beautiful hotel with a big comfy bed and my DH is finally here. We have to be at the clinic by 7:30 tomorrow morning and our retrieval is scheduled for 8:00. I wish I could describe how I feel but honestly...I am numb. 

Praying for a Miracle

I don't even know if I'll get through typing this. I don't think I have ever been faced with a more challenging decision in my life. Only one follicle matured. I am devastated. We knew it wasn't going to be great but I never dreamed it would be this bad. I knew it was a bad sign when the first words out of the doctor's mouth were, "Do you and your husband have children?" "Do you have a sister or someone who would consider donating an egg?" My worst nightmare has come true. So we were told that we could go through with the IVF despite it being a long shot, convert to an IUI or quit altogether. At first I wanted to give up. I am so sick and tired of all of this. At some point one needs to accept their fate. I need to be grateful for the beautiful, healthy child I already have and be thankful I have known the joy of being a mother...it could always be worse. Like, not being able to give your husband a child. I feel like such a failure. I feel like I have been so fortunate in accomplishing great things in my life except for the one thing women have been put on this earth to do. And just hearing the desperation in my DH's voice on the phone this morning was almost unbearable. I hate that I'm here alone and having to  make decisions that will affect my whole life...my marriage. 

Anyway, after hours of agonizing and thinking and going over the odds with the Doc, we have decided to go for it. I feel like the SK Roughriders during the 89 Grey Cup with 44 seconds on the clock and the score tied at 40. I'm Austin trying to get us into field goal range so that DH (Ridgway) can kick a 3 pointer and we can bring home the cup. It's a long shot but every SK fan in the world believes in miracles so I guess I do too. 

Our retrieval is scheduled for Tuesday morning at 8:00 a.m. we will know fairly soon after the procedure whether there even is an egg. If there is, we will know by Wednesday morning if it fertilized. The odds are 60% that there is an egg and 25% of that 60% that it will fertilize. So that is where we stand. Everything is stacked against us but if we don't go for it we will spend the rest of our lives wondering what if. Right now, all I want to focus on is honouring my body and doing all that I can to ensure that there is a good looking egg growing in that one follicle.

I've never really been an overly religious person...I know that there is someone bigger than me out there so I am asking you to call upon your higher power and ask them to send us good vibes. I know most of you are doing that already and I am so grateful. We are so blessed. I have received so many emails and messages it's overwhelming. We love you all so very much. I'm wearing the fertility serpent around my neck, I've got my Greek pomegranate in my pocket and I've been rubbing my inspiration stones all morning. I will meditate several times today as well. I do believe in miracles.

It Only Takes One...

Repeat after me...."it only takes one, it only takes one, it only takes one....". Please God, let my follies be bigger.

It Only Takes ONE Good One!

Had my u/s yesterday and the good news is they saw 4 decent sized follicles. The bad news is they wanted to see more than that. The magic number is 12. Sooo....I was given the option to cancel this cycle and start all over again but we've decided to just go for it. After all, it really only takes one good egg right? Yesterday was a hard day for me. I was so excited to actually see some follicles on the screen but then when the doctor told me it was good but not great I got so upset. But the nurse said I'm young and that we should just go for it because even if there is just one good egg, we have every reason to believe it will implant and go on to a healthy pregnancy. So here I am, telling my body that I trust it and it knows what to do so please make those follies grow and maybe get a couple more going also. :-)

I go back for another u/s on Sunday morning and I am really hoping all 4 follies have continued to mature. Please cross your fingers for us!

I also saw the acupuncturist here yesterday. She is AWESOME! I love her. She is going to meet me at the fertility clinic on the day of my transfer and do a before and after treatment for me. Wow!

My girlfriend and I have been doing some serious shopping too! Thank goodness for GPS!! We have been able to find the Lululemons, IKEA, Liquor Supterstore, H&M, Sephora, MEC and many more with ease thanks to our friend Jeeves who tells us where to go. 

I'll post more on Sunday. DH arrives Monday morning. Thanks for all of your well wishes. xoxo

Two More Sleeps!

Well I leave for Calgary on Wednesday. I am experiencing so many emotions right now: nervous, excited, scared, anxious. I have been thinking that whatever is meant to be will be but sometimes I get this wave of emotion and I have to talk myself down off the ledge!

I have so many wonderful friends and family. Okay...now I'm crying. I just want this so bad and I still can't believe it has come to this. The needles, the drugs, the money. It's all so surreal. Every day when I stick the needles into my stomach I have to remind myself why I am doing this and that it will be worth it one day. My stomach is covered in bruises and so sensitive. The head aches are unbearable. This sucks! 

Full Speed Ahead!

AF paid me a visit yesterday so we are set to start the Gonal F and Luveris tomorrow along with the Suprefact...that's 4 shots per day. I've discovered the Suprefact gives me wicked headaches so that hasn't been much fun. DH and I both have to go on antibiotics also. Apparently our skin will become supersensitive while on the medication so no beach time for us. I have an u/s scheduled in Calgary for July 31st...only 6 more sleeps until I'm there and preparing for the big day. I also have a consultation with an acupuncturist in Calgary who specializes in Fertility. I don't even feel like this is my life but that I'm on the outside looking in. 

I Did It!!

I gave myself my first shot this morning!! I was so nervous I was shaking but it wasn't so bad. It took me like 10 minutes to get organized to do it but I'm sure I'll get more efficient. DH would not give it to me but kept saying, "Just do it. It won't be bad!" And it wasn't. It's weird putting a needle into yourself. Clearly I was never a heroine addict! LOL!! 

So I take the Suprefact injections twice a day until AF shows up and then I add 2 other injections: Gonal F and Luveris. That will be 4 injections a day for about 12 to 14 days. I can't believe this is happening. 

And We're Back!

Had the cyst removed in Calgary this morning. I had to be at the clinic by 8am for an u/s which showed the cyst was still there. I was secretly praying that it had gone away over the weekend and I simply came here for a lovely visit with a BFF, but oh well. So then I had to go back for the procedure at 11:30. It was interesting because you sit in a room waiting for you turn to go in and I could hear nurses talking to women who were going for their retrieval or transfer so now I know what it's going to be like when I go for mine. The draining of the cyst was not pleasant...I'm not going to lie but it was really quick so it was over fast. 

After the procedure I had my "teaching" of how to do the injections. It was a little overwhelming. In a few days I will be giving myself 4 shots a day...YIKES! And keeping dosages and everything straight will be interesting. They are so organized at the clinic though so I have a timeline that will help me. And holy drugs batman!!! I seriously need another suitcase to bring my drugs home...no joke. They won't fit!! And holy expensive. It's unbelievable!

Anyway, we're back on track. I start my first injections (Suprefact) on Wednesday. I'm so nervous. Thank goodness my DH is home from Europe now (and I'm not home) so he can help me with the first few shots.  I fly back home tomorrow.

How optimistic is this? I went shopping today but decided against buying work clothes in the hopes that I'll be too fat for them by fall. :-)

Unexpected Trip to Calgary

Well I got the phone call and the cyst is non-functional (yay!) but it needs to be gone before we can continue with treatment. So, I had two options: #1-wait it out and see if it's gone next week or #2-go to Calgary and have it drained. So I chose option 2. I'm getting on a plane tomorrow morning and will have the procedure done first thing Monday morning. This way we can continue on with the protocol as planned. I will also pick up all of my drugs while I'm there and they can show me how to do the shots and everything while I'm there. Apparently this is very routine and happens often. I guess the draining part isn't so pleasant but it will all be worth it in the end. Welcome to my life! 

Wishing And Waiting and Hoping and Praying

I went back to the hospital for blood tests today. Not sure when Calgary will get the results but I'm really hoping it turns out to be nothing and we can continue on with the protocol as planned. I heard from DH today. He phoned me from Europe. Even though I KNOW the cyst is no big deal I started to cry when I told him about it. Of course, he said it's no big deal and we will get through this and not to worry. He is so strong. 

Oh ya', and I'm a cleanse drop out. It was so HARD to stick to it while camping!! I made it halfway through the 10 day cleanse and then threw in the towel. I am still focusing on eating healthy though and cutting all the bad stuff out of my diet. Thank you Jesus for non-alcoholic beer!! Mmm...beer and clam on a sunny day. Yum!

Still going to acupuncture and I was even hooked up with a lady in Calgary who does acupuncture and specializes in fertility. She works with the clinic up there. So I was able to book a couple of appointments with her while I'm there. Yay! 

Will write more when I hear about the cyst situation. 

Minor Setback

Went for my u/s today and damn it if I don't have a cyst! Shoot! So I have to go back in for a blood test tomorrow to determine whether it is producing estrogen. Then they will decide if I need to have it drained or wait to see if it goes away on its own once the bc pills are done. This sucks. And where the HELL is my DH when I need him?!?!?!

Still Plugging Along...

I'm halfway through the cleanse today. Woo Hoo!! Actually, I'll have to add an extra couple of days to the cleanse because I cut back from 3 packets to 2 packets a day. The first couple of days were pretty harsh. I was afraid to leave the house and get too far away from a bathroom!! TMI, I know. I'm feeling much better now. I am usually STARVING by 10:00 pm but I get through it without eating. 

I've figured out the right balance of berries and juice in my smoothie and I actually quite enjoy it in the morning. Eating is getting easier but boy has it been expensive this week buying food!!! It's not all the "healthy eating's" fault though because with us in the new house I'm finding we have NOTHING. I am happy that there is a lot of organic food to choose from in Safeway and Sobey's because the Organic grocery stores are quite pricey. Wheat still seems to be my biggest challenge but it's getting easier. I went downtown yesterday to the farmer's market and all I could smell was the hot dogs cooking. I wanted one SO BAD!!! But I resisted. I think I dreamt about hot dogs last night. LOL!

Anyway, still just taking BC pills and aspirin. I have an u/s scheduled for July 17th  and then if all looks good, I could be starting stims on July 23rd. Thank goodness my DH will be home from Europe in time for this to give me strength. He was hoping he would be away for the "hormonal stage" but alas he will be here right in the middle of it. LOL!!!

And just when we couldn't be any more blessed, some close friends of ours got us an amazing rate on a suite in Calgary!! We are so lucky!!! I'm still figuring out where I'll stay when I first get there (July 30-Aug.4th) but then DH and I have decided we'd like to be alone during the ER and ET...it could be quite an emotional time for us. So we'll stay in the suite...yay! 

I really appreciate the emails of support and food tips. If you know of a hamburger/hot dog bun that does not have wheat let me know!

The Summer of ME!

I cannot describe how fortunate I feel right now. It seems like all of the stars are lining up and the universe is preparing us for our miracle. I got into see Dr. Julie Zepp on Thursday. She is a renowned Naturopathic Doctor here in my city. Her waiting list is 3 years long and I got into see her after contacting her via email in just a couple of months. There was a cancellation and I got it. Meeting with her has made me feel even more hopeful and optimistic. We spent a lot of time talking about my journey, my goals, my fears, etc. and then she studied my eyes and was able to see that I carry around a lot of stress and anxiety (duh!) and she also saw grief. But she also said that my eyes revealed a "strong constitution" meaning I don't show a lot of weakness. The problem with this though is that I don't recognize the signals my body gives off when it's time to relax or slow down. I just go, go, go all the time. And she also said it looks as though I hold everything in...which I totally do! My body appears tight and tense. So, first order of business is to look after myself and make more deposits into the stress account. She wants me in bed my 10 and stay in bed until 8. If I wake up before 8, I'm to have some hot water and lemon and stay in bed reading or meditating. She gave me a recipe for a Smoothie to have for breakfast (which has taken the edge of the disgusting green concentrate I was taking...phew!) and I also started a cleanse/detox today. She also made several dietary suggestions with the basic rule of thumb being, "eat as close to nature as possible". No red meat, no dairy (unless it's plain, organic yogurt), no wheat, no caffeine and no alcohol. So I had fun  going to organic grocery stores trying to shop for my new diet...it's so hard though!! The hardest thing for me will be the wheat because I'm SUCH a carb junkie. 

I've been walking every day since summer holidays started and have just been taking care of ME. Watching movies, reading and napping. It has been glorious. I think I'll blow the dust off of my yoga mat tomorrow too. 

A group of my friends made me a scapbook full of inspirational quotes for our trip to Calgary. It is so beautiful and thoughtful. I am so blessed. 

It Has Begun!

Well I started the birth control pills on Monday after a bit of a gong show at the pharmacy. Apparently they don't know what to do with a prescription that isn't on one of those small pieces of paper! Jeesh! Anyway, I was able to convince the pharmacist that it was indeed a legal prescription and so now we're in business. I will have all the rest of my drugs sent to me from the Calgary Clinic's Pharmacy though just to be safe. 

So the plan is to do 21 days of BCP. On July 17th I have to go for blood work and an ultrasound to make sure I have no cysts and my uterus looks good and then if all is good I start doing the stims. It's actually only 2 injections a day so that isn't so bad. I am expected to by in Calgary for July 31st. My DH is in Europe until July 24th...I may go up to Calgary by myself first and then DH will join me later. Our retrieval is still set for August 5th with a transfer on August 8th and hopefully we'll be back home around the 10th or 11th. Please send positive vibes/prayers out to the universe for us.

Oh yes! And I am starting a new acupuncture regime next week which will include 2 treatments on my back per week. This will fatten up my uterine lining and help with my little peanuts snuggling in real tight.

I am so nervous I could puke.  

We're Going for IVF!

I got the call from the Fertility clinic yesterday! They have offered us treatment!! I am so excited. Basically I wait until my next AF which should be around June 26. Then I will start BC pills for 21 days. Once AF arrives again I start doing the injections and other fertility drugs. We are expected to be in Calgary on July 31st and our estimated Egg Retrieval and Transfer is set for between August 4th and August 10th. We should be home by August 12th. The timing is UNBELIEVABLE!!! It's perfect. DH will be home from Europe, I will be on summer holidays...we are so fortunate. 

BUT....let's see how acupuncture is doing. There is one more possibility that we were able to sneak one past the goalie. *wink, wink* That would be the BEST to be able to call the clinic and say, "too late, we're already pg!"  Ahhh...a girl can hope and pray.

Our house is done now too. We sign the papers on Monday and can move in. Life is good. 

June 1, 2008

Got a visit from AF today (well, actually last night she showed up but it was after 3:00 so today is CD 1). Wow! Acupuncture really does help with PMS and menstruation. I had no sign of her coming at all and would never know she's here right now if it weren't for the obvious reason. No cramps, no moodiness, no breast tenderness...nothing. This is so awesome!!

Phoned in to the period hotline in Calgary today too. It's been 3 months since our IVF consultation and we were told it's a wait of 2 to 4 months so I'm hoping we get the call soon. DH is going to Europe in July and I'd really like to see him go so I hope it all works out. He is prepared to ditch the tour if it means we need to be in Calgary but I'd hate to see him have to do that.

I bought some prenatal vitamins and royal jelly yesterday. I also bought this stuff called "Green Concentrate". It's a powder that has Spirulina, Chlorella, Goji & Acai-among other things. I know that Spirulina and Chlorella are supposed to be good for fertility so we'll see. You can just mix it with your juice or shake. I mixed mine with mango juice this morning and it looked terrible but it didn't taste that bad.  

Letting Go...

For the past 4 or 5 years I have been so desperate to get pregnant...spending every month obsessing over ovulation signs and then possible pregnancy signs. I have gotten down on my knees and begged the universe to give me a child after every IUI cycle. I have shook with anxiety while peeing on a stick and cried uncontrollably when there was only one pink line. I have experienced so much anxiety over ttc that I believe I have wound my body up into a knot so tight there was no more energy flowing through me. 

But over the past 4 weeks I feel myself letting go and accepting that whatever is meant to be is what will happen. I am no longer desperate to have the acupuncture work before we get the call for IVF. If we get the call, then we prepare for that. If we get pregnant before that, then we prepare for pregnancy and parenthood. If neither happens, we prepare for what will happen next. But I am no longer anxious. I have had about 4 or 5 acupuncture treatments now and have been meditating (thank you to a very GENEROUS friend who sent me a whole bunch of CDs on meditating for Fertilization) and I feel myself relaxing and accepting what may come. I feel more in control of my emotions than I have in years....almost, serene. I am letting go of the control I have tried to have over my body and instead, I am nourishing my body with good food, good thoughts, good vibes...so I can return this dwelling to it's natural, flowing state of Qi. That has become my focus over getting pregnant. One way I have been helping myself with good thoughts is by avoiding situations that make me feel anxious or sad. This doesn't mean that I have sworn of pregnant ladies or babies or whatever all together, but I am trying to avoid continually being in situations that remind me I am not pregnant. In the past, I have tried fighting through these emotions and being tough. I don't want to have to "fight" so I will avoid having to. I hope that as I continue to let go and become at peace with my ttc journey, these situations will become less uncomfortable also. 

Some other great news is I sent an email to a highly reputable Naturopath here in my city (upon the recommendation of the same very GENEROUS friend--I swear girl, when I get pregnant you will have to be the first to know! LOL!). Her waiting list is like 12 months long so I sent her an email explaining our situation and she has agreed to squeeze us in! Yay!

I'm off to our organic grocery store today to try to find stuff to eat for lunch and snacks. Without caffeine my blood sugar crashes in the afternoon and I eat crap to try to soothe the craving. I am also looking for a natural prenatal vitamin after learning about the crap that is in Materna that can clog up your intestines. Yuck!

Thank you to those who have facebooked me or emailed me or posted comments on here. I appreciate and welcome your comments. xoxo

Yay for Me!

Well I believe I have successfully kicked the caffeine habit. Woo hoo! No more coffee for me just a cup or two of green tea after dinner. AND, I actually went to shopping club last night and did not drink a drop of alcohol!!! I felt really good last night and this morning. I'm going to try to keep it up but I'm at a loss as to what to drink besides water when I go out though. I had iced tea last night but I'm thinking it's likely too sweet which is another thing to avoid. My acupuncturist says I'm defeating the purpose if I stress out too much about what I am eating and drinking. She thought I was doing really well with cutting out caffeine and dairy. 

I was feeling a bit bummed today for some reason so I went for a walk with DH and then listened to this cool mp3 recording I downloaded from www.anjionline.com. It's an imagery and breathing technique especially for fertility. I am feeling so much better and more positive. 

I have had 2 acupuncture treatments already and go back again this week for another. I've also emailed a Naturopath here in my city and am waiting to hear back from her when she gets back from holidays. I am trying to chill out and be patient with this treatment but at the same time I am so anxious because I would be thrilled if we could conceive naturally and not need IVF. 

Mother's Day

Ah...another Mother's Day. It's always a bitter sweet day for me. Of course, I am blessed to already be a mom so I am grateful that I get to celebrate today with my amazing son. But every Mother's Day for the past 4 or 5 years I think, "Next year we'll have more kids." And then of course, we don't. Now that I think about it, every holiday it's the same thing. Next year, we'll have a baby at Christmas or next year we'll have a baby with us on our summer holiday vacation. But then next year comes and still no baby. :-(

Wow! Look at me being a total buzz kill on Mother's Day. 

Cycle Day 1 for me again. Phoned into the period hotline. It seems like forever since DH and I were in Calgary but it's only been two months. *sigh*

The acupuncture did help with my PMS but WOW, AF is kicking my butt today. I have MAJOR cramps....yuck! I'm also very moody but I think it might be because I cut out the coffee completely this week. I was allowing myself one cup a day for the past couple of weeks but this week I'm done. I have SUCH a headache, it's unbelievable. I do have a cup or two of green tea in the evenings which must be just enough caffeine to relieve the headache, thank goodness. I've also been watching my dairy intake (no glass of milk for me at dinner time *cry*) but the booze and meat continue to be challenging. I am going to try to avoid alcohol though. I am also so hungry lately!!! OMG, I could eat anything at any time. I'm constantly jonesing for something to eat. I think it's me replacing my caffeine addiction with food. I better keep walking every night!!

I read about this stuff called Royal Jelly that women are taking. I can't wait to ask the acupuncturist about that. I'm also looking for some organic prenatal vitamins since apparently over the counter vitamins aren't good for you. 

Acupuncture

I went for my first acupuncture treatment on Thursday. It was really good. We didn't talk a lot about how she was going to treat my "infertility" (I use the word in quotes as Dr. Straub doesn't believe in IF) but I did go over my history of us TTC and she asked me a whole bunch of questions. She did ask if my intentions were to conceive naturally or through IVF and I said all I wanted was to be pg with a healthy baby but if the IVF clinic were to call me tomorrow, I would accept the treatment. So she said if I wished to continue treatment she would help me prepare my body for the IVF if I didn't end up pg first but that she was going to treat me for my period with acupuncture that day. She said there is no need to have heavy flow and severe cramping during aunt flo's visit...umm....excuse me? really? So since CD 1 should be today (although I feel NOTHING!!) she said she would prepare my body for AF and that I should just relax and we will talk about treating my high FSH later on. So I go back on May 14th for another treatment. 

While I am not getting my hopes up TOO high, I have to say that this is the first person I've encountered during our TTC journey who was so hopeful and optimistic. She didn't tell me that I couldn't do ANYTHING. It was so nice. And she's so nice. THANK YOU SO MUCH for recommending her A.N.!! xoxo

I really want DH to start treatment too (maybe there's a quit smoking treatment) but I know he's way too insane and stressed right now so I'll back off until the day after his concert is over...tee hee.

Very Angry

My DH started smoking again after quitting for a year. I am so PISSED I could break something. He's trying to give me all of these reasons to rationalize his smoking and trying to make me feel sorry for him but there's is not excuse for smoking. I hate it! Not to mention lying to me and hiding it...stress is no excuse for smoking. 

I'm so hurt and disappointed. 

Oh but I guess HIS sperm are okay so he can just go ahead and put poison in his body and not worry about it while I have to take drugs and watch what I put into my body. Grrr....

He stinks too. This sucks! 

I made an appointment with a lady here in my city who does acupuncture and Traditional Chinese Medicine. I have been reading this book called The Infertility Cure and it's all based on TCM. It makes so much sense to me that I treat my whole body and try to figure out what is causing my hormonal imbalance rather than just trying to fix what is broken. The author says treating IF is like driving a tack into the wall with a sledge hammer. I couldn't agree more!

So I'm excited about my appointment next week. I'm nervous too because I haven't done a very good job at cutting out caffeine, booze, dairy or meat. Whoops! I am down to 1 cup of coffee a day though which is good considering I used to drink it all day. And I've been drinking green tea in the evenings quite religiously. I'm not having as much dairy (I used to drink at least one glass of milk with dinner but have been having water instead). I could do with red meat but love chicken so that's been hard. But, of course, the booze has been the hardest. I suck. It was 21 above on Friday and I couldn't resist a cold beer...or six. I'm pathetic.

Called in to the "period hotline" yesterday. So this is 2 phone calls and 1 month/4 days since we went on the IVF list. Only approximately 3 more months to go. Woo hoo! I've been occupying my time lately by BARFING. Yuck. The flu has kicked my butt! I can only hope I shed a pound or two out of this agony. 

My friend got me this book called The Infertility Cure. It's all about The Chinese Method. I've only read the introduction so far...because I started barfing about 6 hours after getting it but it sounds really interesting. The author claims there is no such thing as infertility or "old eggs". So I'll read it and see what I get from it. I already know I need to cut out the caffeine, alcohol, cheese and meat. I haven't had coffee in 3 or 4 days but I keep getting a headache later on in the day...not sure if it's because of the flu or the caffeine withdrawal. Anyway, I'm going to try really hard to cut out these items out of my diet. I did have a mojito with my friend tonight (ahh...if only we were back on the cruise ship) but then turned down the wine. Trust me, that's a huge step for me. 

Need a New Focus

The news of my ovaries being rotten (DH hates that I say that) has really hit my self-esteem hard. I am not happy with myself these days. I feel old, and ugly and out of shape. And of course I have this irrational fear that the IVF isn't going to work and we're not even close to getting it done. DH and I had a good talk the other day because I was really bugged by some things that have to do with him and I think it was really good for him to see where I'm coming from and that I'm tired of being a tough chick because it gets to be too hard. I need a break from it all. I need to refocus my energy and give my self-esteem a make over. I have to quit torturing myself with situations that remind me of our IF and take advantage of our freedom. I need a life make over....starting today!

I may not blog for a while...I will record milestones in our treatment and post any important news I will want to remember one day but I won't be on here as often. 

Limbo Sucks!

Gah! I hate waiting! I feel like I have lived the past 5 years waiting in 2 week cycles. Waiting to ovulate and then waiting to test or for AF. I have let so much in my life pass me by because I might be pregnant and I have been obsessing over symptoms or doing everything I can to get pregnant.

I have been worrying about what if IVF doesn't work. When I think I about it, I can't even breathe. I am getting so tired of it all I just don't know what I would do if it didn't work. DH says egg donor but it's easy for him to say. I'd even rather just transfer an embryo but DH wants our baby to have at least one of our genes. It would be easier to get an embryo than an egg in this country too. You have to know the person to donate for you and I don't think I could do it. I get so jealous sometimes about other women's pregnancies how would I ever feel about some person I know and DH making the baby I could not? I don't know. See, this is what happens when you sit around and wait...you obsess about things that aren't prevalent at the time. :-(

Help Me Pass the Time in Limbo

So it's just a waiting game now for DH and I. So I'm wondering how I can pass the time and keep my blog active. Feel free to help me if you like. Why don't you post questions/topics/comments for me to blog about. Maybe no one's reading this....who knows. But if you are and you have something you'd like to share or ask...feel free!!! 

Dear Vagina,

I'm sorry for all of the pain and suffering you have endured over the past 15 years. First, there was the trauma of squeezing out a 7 lbs. 14oz newborn through your loins at a tender young age. But you were such a trooper. You did amazing and only required 2 stitches!! Of course, after this delivery you required yearly Pap tests which I'm sure are no picnic for you. Then there was that incident with abnormal cells where you required a couple of colposcopies and biopsies. I'm sure having part of you snipped off wasn't exactly pleasant. The HSG in 2004 was not exactly pleasant but we endured that one too and our tubes looked great. Then you got sick again and needed another few colposcopies and biopses which lead to that unfortunate LEEP thing. You didn't recover from that so well so there were a number of times when once again you were violated. You had no sooner recovered from the LEEP and we were doing IUIs....5 of them to be exact. Those weren't always easy either and were coupled with all those ultrasounds. Dr. Greene wasn't very nice to you at our IVF consultation either and now today having to go through ANOTHER horrible HSG. I'm so sorry. The good news is the HSG looks good so Dr. C will send the results to Dr. Greene in Calgary and we will be all systems go for the IVF. So there will be some more uncomfortable procedures that you will need to endure before I leave you alone for a bit (well except for the Paps we have to do those to ensure you stay healthy). There will be the Egg Retrieval but they're going to give you some drugs for that. And then of course the Egg Transfer which is relatively easy and then 9 months later you may be required to squeeze another 7 lb baby through your loins and possibly 2 babies but we may spare you this agony with a C-section but we're not sure. 

Anyway, thank you for being such a trooper. I'm sorry I've put you through this but one day it will all be worth it.

xoxo

Everybody's Got a Pooper

It kills me that friends are afraid to tell me they are pregnant. Well, I know they're not afraid, they just don't want to hurt my feelings because they love me. But I hate that my situation makes it hard on them. I am absolutely thrilled when my friends get pregnant!!! But, I admit, it hurts a little bit too. I know the time will come when I will be able to announce that we're pregnant too though. 

We were at a birthday party last night for two of my "surrogate nieces". My friends let me be their kids' auntie too which brings me more joy than any of them could ever know. There were 5 other couples there with all of their children and all of a sudden I was just in absolute amazement that these children were conceived with such ease. It is impossible for me to fathom actually setting out to have children and it actually happening in a month or two. It made me sad but it also made me realize what it is I feel I've lost and have been mourning. It's not the baby because I know we will have our babies. It was the dream. I've lost the fairy tale dream that all girls have where they marry their husband and they plan to have 2 children and their first baby is born and then two years later their second baby is born and they are blessed. I'm mourning the fairy tale that I will never have. Mind you, looking back, my life story doesn't really have me cast as Cinderella now does it. You would think that by now I'd have given up on the fairy tale but I guess not. 

Oh well, I guess DH and I are writing our own more contemporary version of a fairy tale. More of a science fiction genre which DH would prefer anyway.

I left the party lasting night wondering how something could cause one person's heart to be so full of love and be broken at the same time.

Celebrity Couples and Infertility

*Jennifer Lopez and Marc Antony give birth to fraternal twins after years of trying (IVF??)

*Brad and Angelina pregnant with twins after allegedly undergoing fertility treatments

*Marcia Cross-IVF

*Courtney Cox and David Arquette-IVF

*Christie Brinkley conceived her 3rd child, Sailor through IVF at the age of 44

*Julia Roberts reportedly used IVF to conceive twins Phinn and Hazel although her publicist denies it.

*Nicole Kidman is pregnant with Keith Urban after 8 months of fertility treatments

*Brook Shields conceived daughter Rowan after several attempts at IVF

*Celine Dion-IVF

*Emily and Martie of the Dixie Chicks both underwent IVF to conceive their children

And these are just the celebrities who were able to conceive and carry babies. There are tons who have used surrogates as well.

The recent news of J Lo giving birth to twins and Brangelina pregnant with twins got me thinking about whether these couples really know the hardship and despair that goes along with IF or if because their pockets are so deep or their wallets are so thick they were able to skip the drawn out, agonizing process of TTC and go straight to IVF? And what about the people who are faced with IF and can't afford medical assistance? We are lucky in that we'll be able to afford IVF. Don't get me wrong, if ever we were under financial stress in our marriage it is right now. My poor DH is working his ass off to make the money it will cost us to undergo the treatment not to mention the cost of building a new house and furnishing it. Our marriage is definitely being put to the test right now. But we have a strong relationship and the type of marriage that others would envy. I know there may be people who have judged us because we ride each other's asses or bicker at times but I've got news for you people:  we are not perfect and we do not pretend to be. You are not perfect and should quit trying to be.  If we have problems it's likely everyone knows about it. We have nothing to hide. We are real people and sometimes life is hard and things aren't going to work out the way they're supposed to but we've learned to get over the small stuff and be thankful for what we have. And my husband is a gem at finding the humour in everything. Me, not so much but I'm working on it. We'll get through this. 

Want to help other couples in Western Canada make their dream come true? Go here: Generations of Hope

Calgary Here We Come!

We got the call from the Regional Fertility Clinic in Calgary on February 12/08. We only waited 4 months which was a relief considering some had said it could take 6 to 8 months. We were booked in for an Information Session on March 6th and tests and appointments on March 7th (only a few weeks away!!). We received a package in the mail outlining the blood work we needed to have done (again) before we arrived in Calgary as well as pages and pages of information regarding the process of IVF, costs, time lines various procedures: Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection (ICSI), Assisted Embryo Hatching as well as cyropreservation (freezing embryos). We had to decide how many embryos we agreed to transfer as well as decide what we would do in the event that DH and I were separated or one of us died. It was difficult going through all of these documents. As a young girl I never dreamed that one day I'd get married and then have to go through IVF in order to have babies. While it was an exciting time it was also disappointing. It just seemed so unfair that we had to go through this. Anyway, we filled out the forms and prepared for our trip.

We chose to drive the 8 hours to Calgary just to save a few bucks but won't do that again. And I booked us into a flea bag hotel so I'll spring on nicer accommodations next time too. Thank goodness the weather was so nice. We went out for dinner at Boston Pizza when we got there and I cried and cried. I just couldn't control it. I just wanted a baby so bad and I felt cheated that we had to go through this. The poor waitress probably thought we were breaking up or something. Anyway, then we were off to the information session at the Foothills Hospital. There must have been 100 people there...I was amazed. There was a doctor who spoke about the process of IVF and then a counsellor and then a pharmacist (wow the drugs are going to be expensive) and then the nurse. We learned a lot about IVF especially about hormone levels and such  which got me a bit nervous because I new that my FSH level was higher than 10 on the blood work I had done prior to getting to Calgary and the Dr. said it should be below 10. I tried not to worry about it. 

The next day DH had to go for a S/A and then I had an u/s. We managed to get a couple of hours of shopping in between appointments as well. Then it was time for our appointment. I tell you sometimes I think my poor vajayjay could not possibly bare one more test!! We met our new doc, Dr. Greene and he is an amazing guy. In fact, I was so relieved to find that ALL of the staff at the clinic are exceptional kind and compassionate. What a welcome relief after years of dealing with arrogant and rude health care workers back at home. We learned that my FSH is indeed elevated which means that my my body is working too hard to produce follicles. The ultra sound also revealed that I have low ovarian reserve. Basically Dr. Greene explained that my ovaries are behaving like a 45 y/o woman's instead of a 32 y/o woman's. Our unexplained was now explained. I had always wished that we would have an explanation for our IF but when we learned what was wrong I was so sad and angry. I couldn't understand why this hadn't been discovered before??? Why hadn't Dr. C realized this before? Or Dr. A or Dr B for that matter?? DH is right though...there's no sense dwelling in the past or being angry over the fact that we wasted time and money on IUIs which likely never would have worked. Dr. Greene says we have a less than  1% change of conceiving naturally. How's that for odds? A girl on birth control pills has a better chance at getting pg than me. Oh well. We were beginning the IVF journey. Dr. Greene said if I was 40 y/o he would be having a very different conversation with me but because I'm young and healthy he thinks I may still have a shot. He thought our odds would be about 40% rather than the average 60% success rate for a girl my age. I am beginning treatment on what is called a "Flare Treatment" where I will take 450 mg of stimulating hormones instead of the 150 that most women start out on. This will entail 4 injections per day for about 12 days. The hope is that my body will produce enough eggs that 2 good grade eggs will fertilize and be transfered back. If there are any left to freeze that would be a bonus. The good news is I'm young and my body could surprise us so I will remain optimistic. So we signed on the dotted line and our "seniority date" is March 7th/08. It can take 2 to 4 months for us to be offered treatment. 

We also got to talk to one of the IF counsellors and I think this was really good for DH and I. She helped us put a lot of things into perspective and she also validated our feeling of a sense of loss and grief even though we haven't ever actually had something to lose. She was able to describe EXACTLY how I have been feeling over the past 5 years and made me realize I'm not totally nuts. It was also the first time ever that someone suggested "child free" living to us. We do have Riley so we wouldn't exactly be child-free and there is the hope that one day we'd have grandchildren at least, but for now I like to think we will have more children. 

So that is where we sit. Every CD 1 I need to call the Period Hotline, no joke that's what it's called!! and then wait for them to call back and offer us treatment. So we have a couple of months to save up the cash. We figure considering we're likely going to need ICSI and Assisted Embryo hatching and the hard core drugs, we're looking at about $12,000 plus accommodations and travel expenses. We will have to be in Calgary for 2 weeks for u/s and then the egg retrieval and transfer. I really hope this works. 

2 Tickets for the Infertility Roller Coaster, Please

After 3 IUI attempts using Clomid, we finally got Dr. C to agree to switching to Femera. Thank goodness for that!! But we waited until the fall to start our next treatment so we could take a break over the summer. In the midst of us TTC, we also decided to tear down our house and build a brand new one on the lot. The demolition was to begin over this summer (the summer of 2007) so we decided to cool it on the turkey basting. We also discussed having a referral made to the Calgary Infertility Clinic for IVF because we had heard the waiting list was quite long. We thought we would get a head start on this just in case our final 3 IUIs didn't work. Dr. C said if we weren't successful after 6 IUIs we likely weren't going to be and we would move on to IVF. So DH and I got all of our blood work done and sent it in to Dr. C to have it sent to Calgary. It was so surreal and exciting. It was a very relaxing and enjoyable summer also! 

In September I went back to work where I was now the Vice Principal and Grade 3 teacher. I was running my buns off!! I asked DH if we could put off the next IUI until October because I was so busy at work. 

We started treatment again in October. I took Femera instead of Clomid and it was a DREAM as far as side effects go. When I went in for my first follicle scan the technician even commented on how nice my endo lining looked which usually thins out on Clomid. I had two follies on the right measuring at 21mm & 17mm so I got the trigger shot.

A bit of a piss off though...we were informed at this appointment that Dr. C had neglected to send our referral into Calgary!! I was devastated!! Here I thought that after almost 4 months of waiting our name would be near the top of the waiting list only to find out it wasn't on it at all!! I was so angry I cried right there in the office. The nurse wasn't even all that apologetic. Man, I was so sick and tired of dealing with people with no compassion. It's like people don't have a clue about what if feels like to have Infertility. So the nurse told us he would be sending it in that day. GAH!! 

We had our 4th IUI on October 18/07. It was a BFN. We had our 5th IUI on November 14/07 and it was BFN too. I was through with the IUIs. Christmas was around the corner which is a hectic time for everyone and I did not want to do a treatment over the holidays. We had a cruise coming up in January. I was DONE. We were on a break until we got the IVF call. 

"So Are You Going To Have More Children?"

Replies (some fun, some rude, some stolen from others)

These are supposed to be fun! Add your snappy replies if you like! :-)

1. We're trying but my eggs are old and rotten.

2. We thought about it but then we met yours and changed our minds.

3. We used to have children but the cats were allergic to them so we gave them away.

4. We'd like to have kids but sex kind of grosses us out.

5. We've been meaning to ask parents where they're going to get their children. We haven't figured out where everyone is getting their babies from yet.

6. What is your favourite sexual position? Oh I'm sorry, I thought we were asking inappropriate questions.

7. We're infertile actually are you offering yours?

8. Actually, we're waiting for next year's model to come out. 

9. We're enjoying being DINKS right now. (Double Income No Kids).

10. Once the turkey basting works. 

Easy For You to Say!

What NOT to say to someone with IF:

1. Are you pregnant!?!? Just because I've chosen to not consume an alcoholic beverage tonight doesn't mean I'm pregnant. Besides, if I were, I would let you know when I want you to know.

2. That baby looks good on you. Ya', thanks I'd prefer if it were my own but apparently God has a different plan for me. 

3. Just relax and it will happen. Right...I hadn't thought of that. 

4. I just don't understand how you cannot be pregnant yet! Good grief all my DH has to do is look at me......SHUT UP!

5. You're thinking about it too much. It's kind of hard not to think about it when the first thing I have to do in the morning is take my temperature, or take a pill or give myself an injection!!

6. Have you tried standing on your head? Honey, I've hung upside down from the shower curtain rod. 

7. You're young. And your point is?

8. Enjoy not having a baby while you can. How can I enjoy not having a baby when it's the only thing I want in the world?

9. Having a baby is so hard. Stop complaining...you have the greatest gift there is to receive. Enjoy it. They grow up so fast. 

10. Get drunk and have sex all night. Nope...didn't work but it was fun!

11. Why don't you just adopt? You did NOT just say that!

Sorry if I sound like a bag. And I mean no personal offense to anyone. 

xoxo

Tricks of the Trade

I was chuckling to myself the other day when I thought about all of the "tricks" I have tried to get pregnant over the past 5 years. 

*green tea (good for cervical mucous)

*Evening Primrose Oil (also good for cervical mucous-CM)

*Preseed (Dh and I called it "baby juice" but it's really sperm friendly KY)-I still have about $40 worth of this stuff stuck at the American border which I've paid for and never received...grr.

*I have laid in bed for 30 minutes after sex, stood on my head, held my legs in the air and even done the upside down bicycle for 15 minutes. I swear that's why I have neck and back problems.

 *One cycle we had sex EVERY SINGLE DAY after Aunt Flo left. As fun as this may sound, it wasn't.

*Basal Body Thermometer and Charting-I swear to god if I never put another thermometer in my mouth for the rest of my life it will be too soon. And DH just LOVED the "beep, beep, beep" every morning for a year. Blah! 

*Fertility Friend-easy way to chart but those damn dotted lines and saying I O'd one day and then taking my line away the next. Whatever. 

*I have logged THOUSANDS of hours on the internet reading about making babies. I have also made a lot of cyber friends on Parenting forums. Two of my favourites are:

forums.fertilitycommunity.com and www.themommyplaybook.com

*Ovulation Predictor Kits (OPKs)-is the line darker than the control line??? I'm not sure..hmm. Well let's try a more expensive one then....yay a happy face, oh whoops, no happy face. GAHHH!!! Another $100 down the drain.

*Yes, I have even analyzed my CM to look for the Egg White stuff. How's this for foreplay: honey I have EWCM!!!

*prayer

*avoiding any jinxing

*We have tried vacations, spas, quiet weekends alone at home (In case you haven't heard, apparently if you 'just relax' you will get pregnant)

*not talking about it/trying to forget about the fact that we STILL DON'T HAVE A BABY (oh ya', cuz if you think about it too much it won't happen). I think I've just thought of the topic of my next entry. 

The Other 'C' Word for Clomid

Ugh..Clomid is BY FAR the devil. It's this little pill that's supposed to stimulate your ovaries and produce nice big fat juicy eggies. But the side effects were unbearable. I was the dragon lady on these drugs. I could go from laughing to crying to screaming in less than 5 minutes. I spent months trying to keep the dragon inside of me tamed because if it let loose watch out!!! My poor DH. Oh my god and the night sweats!! Hello! One night I was so hot I actually got out of bed and laid naked on the hardwood floor to cool off. I know you can only imagine when the moodiness and the night sweats collided...whoa mama! I would become Lucifer himself!!! I even went out and bought one of those night gowns that menopausal women wear...it was HOT! There was no chance for nooky in that thing though which was kinda defeating the purpose.

The O cramps were a real picnic too. They were about as fun as period cramps. Yipee!! 

Yep, this will all be worth it in the end. But if I stayed on Clomid I was going to die. Correction: I would likely have killed someone. DH really pushed Dr. C to change meds...lol! 

Let the Turkey Basting Begin!

DH always called the IUI (intrauterine insemination) the turkey baster. Our first IUI took place on March 29/07 with 1 follicle measuring at 19mm and 1 at 16mm (they like them to be between 18 and 21mm to trigger ovulation). This was a GREAT sign. DH couldn't be there for the actual insemination part because he had a gig in another city so he basically dropped of his "boys" at the hospital and left town. We joked that we could one day tell our child that he/she was conceived while mommy and daddy were in different cities. LOL! But unfortunately after the most excruciating 2 week wait (2ww) of my life, our first IUI resulted in a BFN. 

Our second IUI was cancelled because we supposedly missed my ovulation. Blah! That was the end of April. IUI #2b was a bit of a gong show also. My CD (cycle day)10 u/s showed that I had nice follicles growing on the right but 2 days later I had another u/s (at another lab) and she told me I ovulated from the left!?!? I was so devastated. I cried all the way home and had a bit of a temper tantrum with my husband when we got home. Why did this have to be so difficult? Why were my ovaries being so difficult or what the hell was up with all the people whose care I was under. It was all so frustrating. I begged DH to let us skip this step all together and move on to Invitro Fertilization (IVF) but he insisted we should cross all of the bridges first. After all, the Dr. C explained that couples with unexplained infertility have a high success rate with IUI. We just needed to be patient and see it through. During my temper tantrum the doctor's office called to say that they wanted to do the IUI anyway because the doctor felt if I had O'd (ovulated) it was recently. So, in we went for IUI #2....BFN. :-(

IUI #3-June 15th. BFN. :-(

We decided to take a break for the summer. We had vacation plans and the stress was taking its toll once again. I had been appointed Vice Principal for the fall (oh ya', by the way, I'm a teacher) so DH and I decided I needed to relax before moving to a new school and a new position. We met Dr. C to discuss a change in protocol (mainly meds) because Clomid was kicking my ass. He agreed to try Femera (Letrozol) when we returned to treatments. The side effects are less severe...thank goodness.

About This Emotional Roller Coaster Ride Called Infertility

Well, after the HSG and S/A had come back normal we were sure that things would happen for us soon. We just needed to have faith and keep trying. That didn't work for us and a year later we were still babyless. I expressed my concern with my family doctor (Dr. A) during my yearly physical in 2006 and he agreed that it was time to seek medical assistance for our infertility.  I was referred to an OB/GYN because there are no reproductive endocrinologists (REs) in my city. We were told we would likely get in to see him in September (8months away!!). We continued to try for the ensuing months. In that time I had a MAJOR meltdown. It was terrible. It seemed like everyone I knew was getting pregnant (pg) so easily and I wasn't. I was stressed at work, not sleeping, had chronic back pain and basically I wanted to get into my car and drive away. I couldn't bear to hear about one more pregnancy or make an appearance at another baby shower with a smile on my face. I went to see my doc and was suddenly on stress/sick leave....blah! I was off work for 5 weeks and TTC was put on hold until we got in to see the new doc (Dr. B). 

In June of 2006 I got a call from the Dr. B indicating that they had a cancellation and could I be there in an hour? YES!!! I met with Dr. B whom I LOVED. He actually specializes in Multiple Births but he agreed to take on my case. We did all of the required blood work and then he put me on Clomid.  The first round of clomid was not successful. The second round of clomid coupled with a follicle scan and hCG injection but still a BFN (big fat negative). Dr. B indicated that he was concerned about my FSH hormone level and that he felt like I needed to be referred to someone who was the Fertility "guru" in our city...Enter Dr. C. 

We finally got in to see Dr. C in February of 2007. We were going to start IUI!!! We were on our way to our BFP. I wept when I left the doctor that day. I was so relieved and excited to be having IUI. I just knew it was going to work for us. 

Introduction

Wow! Look at me go. It only took me 2 days and 3 different accounts but I think I may be up and running now. I have been encouraged to journal about mine and DH's (dear husband's) journey through infertility (IF) and since I type quicker than I write I thought blogging would be the way to go. I'm totally open to you reading what I write too. I think it's sad that some couples face IF alone. It is such a devastating, painful and stressful time in a couple's life. I can't imagine not having my friends and family here for me.

Anyway, a bit about us..well me, DH doesn't know I'm doing this yet. I am 32 years old and my husband is 39. I have a 14 year old son from a previous relationship. Yes, I was 17 when I had him.

I went on my first date with DH in the fall of 2000. We didn't like each other so we were "just friends" for about 8 months after that initial date and then in the summer of 2001 we fell in love. I moved into his condo and then forced him out of that bachelor pad a few months later. We bought a house in our dream neighbourhood and started talking about adding to our family in 2003. A year went by and still no baby. In August of 2004 we decided to get hitched which was a bit of a distraction from the baby making although it was always in the back of our minds. Shortly after our engagement I had an HSG done to ensure there were no blockages in my tubes and everything came back perfect. DH had a sperm analysis done at the same time and it was perfect too. 

We were married in August of 2005. Immediately following our wedding I bought the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility (TCOYF), a good basal body thermometer bbt) and we went to town!! Five months later I was in my doctor's office for my yearly physical and it was made official....we were experiencing what 1 in 6 Canadian couples faces: Infertility.